The Listener 2.0

Tony Stark gets slapped, hilarity does not ensue.

By Tony Stark

So yeah, Election season’s over now. As a aspiring stand-up comedian I need to get back to my roots -talking shit.

En garde!

So yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve had some shit happen to me that just left me in a stupor for the rest of my day. Yesterday I was at the Grand with a friend I’ve neglected (I.E. Damn near everyone I associated with Pre-Fall 2006.) and some of his likely equally neglected friends. We were like, seven deep and I knew one damn person outta the whole group. Ah. black people. Anyway, So after some wasted time, we all went and got something to eat. And here’s where the fun begins.

So we’re all eating and naturally, you can’t get black men and women together without talking about the ills of the black dating experience.[1] Having never been in a relationship that lasted longer than three weeks,[2] I should keep my mouth shut during such conversations, but then, I’ve never been too good at not saying whatever I’m thinking.

So yeah. As we leave, we still speak on it. This big chick with us decides to take a moment to rail on yours truly in the vein of:

“And then you have guys who just don’t take care of themselves anymore but still want to come at somebody. They can’t dress, and they don’t work out. Like you. (She points to me.) You ain’t a bum ass nigga but you’re too small. I couldn’t fuck with no nigga that scrawny. I need a man that can protect me.”

She goes on “I didn’t mean to come at you like that, but I’m saying you, you’re TOO skinny.”

Anyway, I simply reply, “A problem you wish we had in common.”

Next thing you know, people around us treated to a brief yet very profane presentation of the arguments “Big is Beautiful” and “Diabetes isn’t though”.

And then, out of nowhere, this rotund meatbag [3] smacks me clear across the face and storms out of the mall with who was presumably her ride in tow.

I stand there looking at my dude like “Dog, WTF”? While random high school kids with no future point and laugh.

Moral of the Story:

In this day and age, people are more sensitive about their bodies than ever, and combining my dry wit with Body Dysmorphic Disorder ends with violence. Given, every other jackass can ask me if I ever eat and assume I’m incapable of lifting absurdly low amounts of weight for a grown man, (People have expressed genuine surprise at my ability to curl 20 pounds. Wtf?) but I make one comment about the sound of collapsed ankles in relation to the sound shaking a bag of marbles would make and all of the sudden I’m the spawn of Satan. Tch. Life lessons blow.

Footnotes:

[1] – Relationships fail because people do stupid things in their duration, or found them on stupidity. I have a saying. “Stupidity is the antithesis to Success.” Take it if you want, It’ll make you look smarter than any sentence beginning with “On the G”. I’m just saying, most women look for the absolute most pointless qualities in a man and call them “standards”. And Men have an uncanny way of fucking a good thing up by any means. Why cheat on Princess Leia with Jabba the Hutt? [3] It ain’t gonna be that bad. Beat it like the rest of us if you can’t get the draws that night. [4]

[2] – Guess what year this was, and you win a soda. No, really.

[3] – Star Wars references FTW. Yeah, I went there. And yall ain’t gon’ do sheeeeat.

[4] – Any smart woman would TOTALLY support her boyfriend watching pr0n. Especially if you don’t believe in sex before marriage/trust him.” He’s less likely to cheat if you let him beat his meat.”[5]

[5] – FUCK that was clever! Truth varies from man to man.

December 30, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

“Time Magazine Names Obama ‘Person of the Year'”

By: Always Young, Never Restless

obama

(Yahoo) NEW YORK – President-elect Barack Obama has won another contest: He’s been named Time magazine’s “Person of the Year” for 2008.

The magazine has named Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, French President Nicolas Sarkozy, Gov. Sarah Palin and Chinese director Zhang Yimou as runners-up.

Last year’s winner was Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. Previous individual winners have included Bono, President George W. Bush and Amazon.com CEO and founder Jeff Bezos.

December 17, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

“Diddy Gives Biggie Biopic Two Thumbs Up”

By: Always Young, Never Restless

diddy

(The Boombox) Though we haven’t seen the critics’ reviews yet, Notorious B.I.G. biopic, ‘Notorious’ already has one huge supporter in the Brooklyn great’s former partner Sean “Diddy” Combs, formerly known as Puff Daddy. As the Bad Boy chief told MTV, “Truth be told, I was blown away by the movie. I was entertained by the movie. The movie is what was happening. Can’t no critics speak on it. I’m telling you, that’s my life right there. That’s what it was. That’s what was happening.”

This is high praise coming from a star who is far from easily pleased, and it’s a difficult subject altogether due to Big’s place in the rap cannon, but ever since we heard Cheo Hodari Coker (who also wrote a stellar Biggie biography) was penning the film, we’ve been excited about its release.

“At the end of the movie, it messed me up,” Diddy added. “I was messed up for two weeks. It made you miss him in the right way. It made you count your blessings. It’s definitely a tear-jerker. It’s definitely a movie you’re gonna be dancing in, crying in, you’re gonna love it. You’re gonna wanna see it again.”

‘Notorious’ will be released on January 13th. It stars Angela Basset, rapper Gravy (Jamal Woolard) as Big, and Derek Luke as Puff, who you know must have done his thing, otherwise we’d have heard about it. The soundtrack for the film is looking pretty juicy as well, with a collaboration between Big and his son CJ (ala Natalie and Nat King Cole) so look out for that.

I will have to check this one out for myself….We Shall See!!!!

December 12, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

“Usher & Tameka Welcome New Baby Boy”

By: Always Young, Never Restless

 

usher-and-wife

Hey Readers….it has definitely been a while since I have written….Anyways….Enjoy

People.com reports “Usher and Tameka Raymond welcomed their second son, Naviyd Ely Raymond, on Wednesday, Dec. 10, 2:33 a.m. weighing 5 lbs., 13 oz.,” says the rep. “Tameka and the baby are doing fine.”

Naviyd joins older brother Usher Raymond V, who turned 1 on Nov. 26. The parents married in 2007. Tameka, 37, also has three sons from a previous relationship.

A source tells PEOPLE that Usher was at his wife’s side during the delivery.

Last month, he told Access Hollywood that his soon-to-arrive baby was “one of the best Christmas gifts there is to have.”

“I’m so proud to be a father by the time I’m 30,” Usher (who hit the big 3-0 in October) told PEOPLE back in August. “I’d hate to be 80 years old and not be able to run with my kids. I need to still be able to do flips when they’re in high school!”

Well Congrats Ush and Tameka!!!!

December 12, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment