The Listener 2.0

Tony Stark gets slapped, hilarity does not ensue.

By Tony Stark

So yeah, Election season’s over now. As a aspiring stand-up comedian I need to get back to my roots -talking shit.

En garde!

So yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve had some shit happen to me that just left me in a stupor for the rest of my day. Yesterday I was at the Grand with a friend I’ve neglected (I.E. Damn near everyone I associated with Pre-Fall 2006.) and some of his likely equally neglected friends. We were like, seven deep and I knew one damn person outta the whole group. Ah. black people. Anyway, So after some wasted time, we all went and got something to eat. And here’s where the fun begins.

So we’re all eating and naturally, you can’t get black men and women together without talking about the ills of the black dating experience.[1] Having never been in a relationship that lasted longer than three weeks,[2] I should keep my mouth shut during such conversations, but then, I’ve never been too good at not saying whatever I’m thinking.

So yeah. As we leave, we still speak on it. This big chick with us decides to take a moment to rail on yours truly in the vein of:

“And then you have guys who just don’t take care of themselves anymore but still want to come at somebody. They can’t dress, and they don’t work out. Like you. (She points to me.) You ain’t a bum ass nigga but you’re too small. I couldn’t fuck with no nigga that scrawny. I need a man that can protect me.”

She goes on “I didn’t mean to come at you like that, but I’m saying you, you’re TOO skinny.”

Anyway, I simply reply, “A problem you wish we had in common.”

Next thing you know, people around us treated to a brief yet very profane presentation of the arguments “Big is Beautiful” and “Diabetes isn’t though”.

And then, out of nowhere, this rotund meatbag [3] smacks me clear across the face and storms out of the mall with who was presumably her ride in tow.

I stand there looking at my dude like “Dog, WTF”? While random high school kids with no future point and laugh.

Moral of the Story:

In this day and age, people are more sensitive about their bodies than ever, and combining my dry wit with Body Dysmorphic Disorder ends with violence. Given, every other jackass can ask me if I ever eat and assume I’m incapable of lifting absurdly low amounts of weight for a grown man, (People have expressed genuine surprise at my ability to curl 20 pounds. Wtf?) but I make one comment about the sound of collapsed ankles in relation to the sound shaking a bag of marbles would make and all of the sudden I’m the spawn of Satan. Tch. Life lessons blow.

Footnotes:

[1] – Relationships fail because people do stupid things in their duration, or found them on stupidity. I have a saying. “Stupidity is the antithesis to Success.” Take it if you want, It’ll make you look smarter than any sentence beginning with “On the G”. I’m just saying, most women look for the absolute most pointless qualities in a man and call them “standards”. And Men have an uncanny way of fucking a good thing up by any means. Why cheat on Princess Leia with Jabba the Hutt? [3] It ain’t gonna be that bad. Beat it like the rest of us if you can’t get the draws that night. [4]

[2] – Guess what year this was, and you win a soda. No, really.

[3] – Star Wars references FTW. Yeah, I went there. And yall ain’t gon’ do sheeeeat.

[4] – Any smart woman would TOTALLY support her boyfriend watching pr0n. Especially if you don’t believe in sex before marriage/trust him.” He’s less likely to cheat if you let him beat his meat.”[5]

[5] – FUCK that was clever! Truth varies from man to man.

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December 30, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment